Magical Thinking

Are you searching for that magical place where you have food freedom, mental space and presence, less anxiety, no comparison while also not gaining weight, not experiencing extreme hunger, not challenging your fears? I hate to break it to you but that place simply doesn’t exist. I know because I tried for so many years - more than a decade in fact - to find a way to recover and be recovered without letting go of the whole disorder.

It felt that every time I attempted recovery aligned actions, everything got worse. My body image distress got worse, my ED got louder, my movement compulsions felt stronger than ever, my ability to focus was even more impaired, my connections and relationships suffered further because of my deeply emotional responses to food and rest. Surely - surely! - there had to be a way to do this so that I didn’t feel so bad?! So I pulled back. I kept looking for a different way to recover that wouldn’t feel so awful. I looked for a new plan. One that was more step-wise. A slower pace of recovery. A way to recover that avoided the cascade of negative emotions. 

I did further research. I gathered more information. And the thing is - the information didn’t change. I didn’t need more knowledge. I didn’t need a different plan. I needed to stick with what I knew deep down I had to do. 

I also needed to accept that being recovered while holding onto ED driven behaviours and values was magical thinking. That wasn’t recovered - at least not the version of it that I was aspiring to. I had to accept that full freedom, real recovery, was not at all compatible with controlling my body. I wasn’t going to be able to feel confident before taking actions. I wasn’t going to be able to predict where my body would settle. I had to let go of the control I was holding in my recovery, not just my ED. I had to stop the endless quest for a “safe” recovery and start taking the bold actions - and keep taking them for long enough that would allow my brain to adjust. Because stopping and starting and searching and waiting for certainty was only delaying my actions, and ultimately strengthening the neural network of my ED.

Perhaps you resonate with this. Perhaps you find yourself searching for that third place where you are fully free while still engaging in ED behaviours. And I’m here to remind you that you will be searching for that place forever. Full recovery is incompatible with ED behaviours. Full recovery requires going towards that discomfort and tolerating it for long enough for your brain to rewire. Full recovery requires a little less conversation and little more action.