No life purpose, no recovery?

One of the things that I talk about a lot is holding your Why for recovery very close. Using that as motivation and as a tool to put the distress of recovery in perspective. To maintain a reminder of what the bigger goal is, or what recovery will enable for you. But there is a potential trap with this advice - what if you don’t know what you want your life to be? What if you don’t have a clear passion that your ED is threatening to take you away from? What if the future without an ED is so unknown that there is no pull towards it?

Particularly for those who have had an ED for a long time, much of your life revolves around the careful maintenance of the illness (and often the facade of being functional). Days are planned around food and movement, there is careful calibration on what you say yes to and what micromanagement will therefore be required, and there is little physical energy or mental space to cultivate what truly brings you joy or meaning. In this state of energy deficit it is very hard to feel interest in anything that doesn’t involve food, body or movement, let alone feel activated by a bigger purpose. I want to normalise that experience. That if you are in an energy deficit it is not likely that you will have a clear passion outside of the ED. 

Further to this, this very human desire for purpose and meaning is often very intertwined with a sense of identity. Here again we can see that there is often a grief involved in letting go of the sense of identity that the ED provided, coupled with a fear about who you might be without that badge. I want to acknowledge that fear. The fear of the unknown and of stepping into a new identity can be very limiting. But what I want you to also know is that being in a state of energy deficit, and being consumed by an ED, leaves very little room for your true identity to emerge. It’s not that the ED is your identity, it's that it is covering up the real you. You might not know who they are and I want to assure you that that is also okay. Authentic identity and purpose is multifaceted in a way that the ED identity is not. The ED will convince you that this is the only thing that you can be, when in fact human identity is formed from so many aspects of your life and is constantly evolving. It is not a static state but rather one that is formed, very often by our behaviours, and is dynamic through a lifetime. There is space and nuance within identity and purpose and I have found that having a more expansive definition of these things can help to take the pressure off. You don’t have to know who you will be, or what your purpose is, in order to start moving away from the ED. 

And that really is the thesis of this blog post - that you don’t have to know what your life purpose is in order to know that it is Not This. Rather than a pull towards a recovered life, you can push away from a life controlled by your ED. The fear and the uncertainty may very well be there but there can be enough of an understanding that this is NOT what you want your life to stand for that you are willing to take those steps into the unknown world of recovery. 

Recovery itself is a demanding and transformative process. That alone encourages a new identity to be formed - one that is based on self-assurance and authenticity. It’s not that you step into a fully formed new identity, it’s that the process of recovery itself builds identity and allows for self-exploration in a much more holistic and self-supported way. I am yet to talk to anyone who has walked this path who didn’t learn multitudes about who they are along the way. While acknowledging that the fear exists there is opportunity to approach this new identity formation with curiosity and experimentation. 

So this is a blog post for those who do not feel the pull towards a specific calling. That is not a prerequisite for recovery. You do not have to know what the purpose of your life will be in order to take steps towards something different. It is enough to know - Not This.