On being a food snob

One of the least favourite characteristics of my time with an ED was my tendency to be a food snob and a very picky eater. In my opinion, one of the most fun attributes in a person is an openness and willingness to go with the flow. A curiosity about the world, including what to eat. An ease of being the person who can let others decide what they would really like. When I had an ED, one of the ways that restriction showed up - in quite a socially acceptable way - was to turn my nose up at food that I thought was not worth eating. 

When in an energy deprived state, food becomes the be all and end all. It must be a perfect, transcendent experience. Anything less than feels like a waste. More than that - it feels like a travesty. The thought of a less than perfect meal would haunt me for days. Food becomes so disproportionately important and emotional that it feels like there is little option but to ensure that it is as perfect as possible.

The food snobbery came in lots of different forms:

“It’s too hot for pie and mash”

“Cabonara isn’t traditionally made with cream, I only eat the traditional version”

“I only eat pastries from a bakery, not the supermarket”

“Risotto doesn’t reheat well at all, I’ll only eat it when it’s been freshly made”

“I had a bagel for lunch so I can’t possibly have a burger for dinner”

Really I can’t believe I said half of the things I did when I was energy deprived and desperately trying to both avoid food while simultaneously making it the most transcendent experience of my day. Happily I can say that I’m much more down to earth these days. Yes I like nice food, but it certainly doesn’t have to be perfect. I can happily laugh and eat a new recipe fail. I can eat a creamy pasta dish on a stinking hot summer day. I eat all sorts of supermarket convenience foods, especially when I’m short on time or energy. I’m no longer the picky eater when we go out for dinner - I’m finally that person who can let others choose and go with the flow. It is not only a relief but also feels much more authentic to me. 

I didn’t get back to this genuine version of me without some concerted effort. Once I realised that this food perfectionism and food snobbery was a manifestation of my ED - and a way to avoid eating challenging foods - I had to tackle it head on. I had to go out of my way to make food imperfect. To choose the less bougie option. To eat the meal that didn’t “make sense”. To tolerate claggy leftovers. And crucially, to eat enough so that my body was confident that food was no longer a scarce resource. Because you can do all the challenging you want but if the overall amount is still not signalling abundance to your brain and body then it is going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to remove food from the pedestal of perfection.

Snickers really had it right - you’re not you when you’re hungry, and that goes for your views on food too. By reminding myself of the person that I wanted to be - a flexible, easy eater - I was able to align my actions in the moment to that future version of me. It’s no accident that I am now that person, I literally stepped into that character until it did become my reality. And you can be that person too if you choose to be.