What I’m still learning about myself

Recovering from an eating disorder is a process which forces you to transform your relationship with yourself. It teaches you how to self support, build self trust, show compassion, sit with difficult emotions, set and respect boundaries, and to reach out for help when needed. This is not an exhaustive list - but an exhaustive list is not the point of this blog post. One of the other things I’ve learned is that this process of self-discovery is never done. It is not a one time transformation offer. And I think that is a glorious thing. 

Recently, I’ve had to really examine the person I thought I would be post-recovery. A very common fear throughout recovery is the unknown of “who am I without my eating disorder?”. I wasn’t immune to this fear but I trusted that I would figure that out along the way. And with a lot of support and accountability holding I kept doing the recovery aligned actions anyway. While I didn’t know exactly who I would be when I recovered, I think that I did have a belief that I would be very very different. Given that we know EDs thrive in secrecy and there is a tendency to withdraw from the world when the ED has taken hold, I thought (perhaps unconsciously) that I would be the complete opposite once I fully recovered. That I would emerge from my cocoon a true social butterfly with an endless supply of energy and enthusiasm for life. 

The reality, for me at least, was that I didn’t have a complete personality transplant. A lot of the characteristics that I suspected were my ED were actually the real me, but the ED had hijacked them and magnified the impact on my life. I am still organised and like to plan things in advance (just not every minuscule of food and exercise anymore). I am still hard working and focussed (just not related to what I eat or how I move). I still have high standards for myself (but not related to my body). And perhaps the one that I have struggled to accept the most is that I am still an introvert. I had expected that once I had done the hard work of recovery, that I was fully comfortable with eating socially and how I looked in my new body, that I would be the life of the party. That I would want to go out most nights after work and socialise with my friends. I had, after all, spent many many years avoiding these things out of anxiety around food, movement and my body. Surely the reasons that I didn’t want to go out all the time were only related to my ED?! I had almost built a new identity in my mind for my recovered self - she was outgoing and “fun” and always up for a night out with friends. In reality, while I do love socialising with my people, I always prefer small groups, ideally one on one connections. I don’t like late nights. I really enjoy a quiet routine involving good food and winding down with the people I love. I enjoy a calm nervous system and a good night’s sleep. In short, I have recently had to face the reality that who I am post-recovery is not exactly who I thought I would be. And I’ve had to use all of those recovery skills to accept this version of myself with as much love and grace as I will any other. I have not failed, I am not less worthy or less acceptable because I am not as social as I thought I would be. I’ve accepted that my job is to self support and set the right boundaries to allow me to feel my best. As always, this comes back to one of my core tenets of recovery - how do I want my life to feel, not how do I want it to look. I want to feel at peace and comfortable and content with my life and that only comes with fully accepting who I am and taking care of the real me underneath all of the expectations and projections.

This is just the most recent learning I’ve had on my journey of self-discovery. There will be many more throughout my life. I don’t know what they will bring up for me but I am confident that the work I have done throughout my recovery has set me up well to take care of myself at each and every point.